This state of being , like prisoners in zoo , has had both ups and down. Today I have decided to share with you the darker side of existence during this times. I will admit it took me quiet amount of thought to believe, that I will be vulnerable enough in front of you, and vent out on the unwanted feelings. In years of wandering , I have come to believe that honesty is better to keep, life simple and frank. In a age of think positive , and be positive , I do not know if this post will come out to be a little pessimistic. However , If my venting , matches with your situation, then be assured your and my misery is the same. We are both in the darker phase of the locked down.
One of the effects of social distancing and isolation from home, is that we are left, much more than usual, with ourselves. Who are we when we are no longer reflected in the faces of the people around us? Who are we without all the external recognition? No praise or even rejection. No feedback at all to define us.
This might have left us lost. Or, uncomfortable and unsettled. Maybe you’re feeling a little of that?
I do not sleep at night , only to sleep from morning seven to two in the afternoon. It started with the thought that days are better slept than to be feeling purposeless and locked in room. At night, I feel everything, often inexplicably. Joy and sadness. Thrill and anger. Frustration and ease. And, of course, fear. But also, of course, excitement and connection. To feel it all requires courage. Emotional courage.
It takes a lot to be curious about ourselves, after all.
Often I avoid myself most , like a ostrich putting his head deep into the hole , in the dark. There it sees nothing , and has a feeling no body can see it. Exactly how I try to do with my thoughts. Yet this lock down, has been extending and it was inevitable that my dark thoughts will come crashing down. So after keeping myself lost and happy with new cooking recipes and Netfix shows that I did not even enjoy, for around 50 days of the locked down, I could not bear this helplessness and uncertainty of life that has been thrown to us.
I am a highly social person , an extrovert , who likes to be with people and do new things every moment possible. It makes me good at my job, of being one of the Best Guides to travel with , yet it does not make me a sorted person, in this times of patience and introspection.
No matter , how many videos and podcast from Spiritual Gurus, I hear or read, it just does not make this situation any better. I guess you can relate , that it is harder to be followed, those instructions than to advice our friends , when they say , they are feeling lonely. It is our basic human need I guess to share and to listen, to communicate and to crave bonding.
But with no way out , any sooner , I guess we have to slow down to face ourselves, what some of us have long avoided. It can be scary and exciting , but most importantly do we have the courage. To admit, to accept our darker side.
It is one thing to be all alone in the mountains, with survival in mind , and another to be helpless locked down in uncertainty. And as a part of stepping up , I am sharing this, with all of you , that yes I am also miserable now in the locked down.
Yet now that I have shared , I feel a little more at peace. Admitting my human side, my monsters that rumble up in my ever overthinking brain.
The greatest lesson though from this has been to tolerate myself, even with all my fears , and all my insecurities. May be the most valuable lessons are learnt in the hardest times. Times which we often dislike and we are forced upon , rather than choosing. In a world that runs so fast , and is connected so well, I kept hopping from place to place. Taking in the adventures and wanders, only may be, to keep my brain busy from the monsters that lurked in mind. It is futile to run from them, as they are mine, they are ME. And today or the other , I had to own them. So here it is , I accepting them , and trying to make peace with it.
I am also amazed that when I called some of my friends, who live a same life on road, they have been feeling the same, and did not know how to share and who to share. That I am not alone, makes me believe , that you are not alone too. Talk to people who feel the same. Even if some of them says " They are Doing Great in the Locked down ." , Do not get deter , and call up another.
If not any , let me know, I will share the misery we both carry. There is no shame in finding life hard at times, especially , in times like this.
Even if it seems unending, this lack of freedom , I have my hopes that we will see each other in travels by July!!!!
Note from the Author,
" Travel made me rich and free. Magic and miracles are true , once you wander on the roads to places different and divine. I have collected so many thoughts and stories while being a Tour & Trek guide for last seven years. Sharing with you all, those memories and stories , and wishing you all , that someday you guys travel far and wide too. I am not a great writer , so ignore my grammar and spellings, read it with feelings, and you might just be affected with the wanderlust to hit the road"